For the entirety of this month, there is a personal belief that I have been questioning. I can’t help it when the truth is so blatantly being unfolded amid such chaos.

In this current age and time, we are more educated than ever. With technology aiding global communications, world issues are made aware constantly. But it seems as if the moral values that make us human have taken a back seat.

Is this another cycle of the evolutionary theory so the future generations could adapt and survive?

Drowning in work, will rant more when things calm down.

Since the beginning of my time, I have always been amazed at my lack of social skills. I do not fare well in groups of more than 4-5 people. I enjoy pondering over rhetorical questions that are purely self-opinionated. Today, I am reminded that there is really an inappropriate time for certain topics in a social group conversation.

It all started when I read about socialism and capitalism the other day. In my eagerness to know what others would tend to favour more, I brought up the subject over lunch. That proved to be quite a mistake. I will not bore you with the exact details but it left me distraught.

Thereafter, I had a small discussion with a friend. When the conversation leans on a one-to-one basis and the other party is receptive, I could actually come up with reasons to defend why socialism is unreal and remains an idealistic concept. Without taking into considerations the various branches of socialism (like communism), I think socialism in all its purity is a rather interesting idea to toy with. There are 2 distinct features of socialism that attract me:

• Every single person is given an equality in rights
• Every single person has a say in decision making

However, that would assume everyone accepts self responsibility. Many had tried and failed at creating such a society. To me, communism is socialism gone bad. Socialism in its greatest form can become an utopia.

Enough of my abstract thoughts and back to the gist of this entry.

I am finding it more difficult than ever to share such conversations with another fellow human being. It is easy to be refuted in online forums where there are plenty of people who possess an in-depth knowledge on such a topic. But why can’t I carry out the same conversations that allow me to practice my English language in speech and to think on my feet? Am I the only one who feels like an odd ball in most social settings? I hate talking about the weather.

On a side note, I started recording how I talk. Upon playback, I found that I speak strangely and I could not understand what I was saying. This is probably why I get lots of ‘huh’ when I talk to other people. :(

I knew I have never excelled in anything before. But the infinite number of times I had to confront my inexperience is starting to bog me down. With that thought hovering endlessly, I am writing henceforth with the utmost unsettling state of mind.

Call me egoistic but I hate to do things the tried and proven way. For every project that came to me, I would do code refactoring even though I reused the entire source code from previous projects. In addition, I would also toy with different methods for any given scenario. And when I was truly bored, I would venture into performance and benchmarking tests. I always exceed the allocated development time and can be slow usually because of my constant need for ‘perfection’.

I hate the way I over-think and add noise to simplicity. I hate the way I try to outsmart myself by declining to conform to conventional norms. I hate the way I refuse to settle for comfortability. But all in all, this is just the premity way to force myself to grow.

What a contradiction! To round it up, would you stick to traditional ways and be speedy or unknown ways and be crawling (literally)?

EDIT on January 06, 2011
Quit giving me signs that I should rest. Whenever I have a fever, I conjure up hallucinations of you and that is probably the closest I can get to having you again. For the greater good, time is running out.

I have been given an opportunity to lurk deeper into my selected field of calling. Although it remains unclear where this path would eventually lead to, I am certain that following it will trigger hidden wells of inspiration and self-actualisation. It is strange how I can resist critics and maintain an ongoing motivational energy. It could be ambition, ego, passion or self-challenge. I could never figure it out but I would like to attribute it to my constant desire to challenge myself.

With tight deadlines and a whole new ball game, there are aplenty situations in which I long to bang my head on the wall. But since I decided to partake in this, my absolute attention and effort are mandatory. Using ‘time constraint’ as an excuse to put off trying something new is beginning to consume me so much that I knew I ought to stand firm this time. I have always believed that when you lack talent, the only way to compensate for it is to try harder.

To combat my lingering problem of insomnia, I have been listening to BBC radio on the iPhone. For the past 2 weeks, it has lulled me to sleep within 30 minutes. :)

Have you leveled up lately?

EDIT on December 21, 2010
Today, I finally understood the underlying meaning of the force that pushes me to extremity. It is the transformation of my unrelenting self-abusive trait – the part of me that thinks I deserve nothing good to happen to me. I still behold no goal in life, so I do not deem myself as ambitious. The puzzling part is I had an anxiety attack today. I thought the attacks are related to the then project I worked on for almost 4 months. Now, I realised it signifies something more. It scares me but I know I will not give up. In a way, I brought it upon myself. Sigh.

A friend requested for an entry of this particular nature. So, this is for you – bound and gagged in a tight romantic love that is not reciprocated.

I promise to try very hard not to make callous or hurtful remarks. In fact, I will attempt to hide the skepticism that exudes from me.

With that said, let us proceed with the stated dilemma. I like metaphors, so I took the liberty to extend the sniper story we related to in our conversation.

You are like a sniper zooming in on the target(s) with the aid of a scope. We are aware of how that greatly diminishes your depth of field which in turn, narrows your vision to survey the rest of the hunting ground.

You stand in your chosen spot and peer at the cross-hair regardless of day or night, sunny or raining, still or windy. All in the hope of accurately firing your Cupid’s arrow when the elusive one glances your way.

You know you should dismount the scope to widen your tunnel vision or at least wipe it clean to prevent the smudges from clouding your infatuated heart. But something stops you from doing so.

As a result, you cling onto your target with a fervent (almost feverish) assault plan and forgo every instinct that pleads you to scope another target of opportunity.

Don’t like the rules of engagement? Here is another one about economics and psychology:

One of the principles of economics state that ‘If demand increases and supply remains unchanged then higher equilibrium price and quantity‘. In other words, your chance declines when the competition inclines.

From a psychological view, are you absolutely certain that you are not in the trap of ‘wanting something you cannot have’? I believe it is innate to desire for coveting a highly valuable commodity that everyone wants. I say it is psychological because it is perceived to be rare, so it is the best.

Drill in deep, my friend. You don’t have to choose A or B. There is a C too. And all the way to Z if you fancy.

In the event if you are terribly confident that this is fate and nothing can separate the both of you, be brave and pursue the object of your affection. Quit reminding me of a particularly affectionate feline term.

Unrequited love may be devastating but stand tall and take the brunt. I’ll comfort you with a shoulder to cry on if you cannot fight anymore. :)

* Image was taken from Photobucket: Love by jeniferqm

Do you view yourself in your life roles? For instance, as a spouse, parent, child, lover, friend, employer, employee and the list goes on.

If you did, you are probably neglecting yourself as a unique singular person in this world with a population of more than 6 billion. I say this because I want to challenge myself and break the wall of expectations. If you are like me and find yourself invariably questioning who you are, what you do or why you say this, join me in a rhetorical search without taking into account the concept of creation and theory of evolution.

Expanding life roles
To start off, let us define the various obligations we are supposed to fulfill in the shoes of:

• A spouse
  We are expected to commit to fidelity, serve our significant other to the best of our ability, protect and take care of each other.
• A child
  We are expected to be filial and pious, obedient to cautions and advices and caring for the well-being of elders.
• A friend
  We are expected to stand up for our peers, comfort with a ear or shoulder and be honest to one another.
• An employer
  We are expected to be optimistic and positive, be patient and empathise with the staff and be firm in making decisions.
• An employee
  We are expected to complete our tasks in time, provide solutions or alternatives and be receptive to learning and improving.

While the above points are furnished as guidelines, we are judged if we stepped out of line. Here is an illustration to encourage ourselves to think out of the box:

A wife is expected to serve the husband by tidying up the house and satisfying his whimsy hunger pangs (Insert other whimsy pangs here if applicable). The women of today have to hold a job to make ends meet, take care of the family and house and retain her attraction to the husband.

A husband is expected to support the family financially, fend off temptations in the external world and defend the family.

Why can’t femininity and masculinity be interchangeable? We are not programmed to be robots.

Following blindly
For every time I stand at the traffic light junction on the way to work, I am reminded of the road safety lessons I was taught as a kid. I am often left alone waiting for the green man to appear in the scorching sun. Everyone else crosses the road against the red light.

Why should I follow them? It is absolutely fine to reject and say ‘no’ if I do not want to accommodate and cave in to external pressures. Influences are all around us and it is up to us to weigh the impact of our choices. It is futile to please everyone.

So in all honesty, who are you? Forget about professionalism and the exaggeration on resumes to market yourself. Are you ready to die? I may not have done any extraordinary accomplishments but I had pretty much fulfilled my priorities and experienced both positive and negative tides in life. I have:

• Been compliant and followed the herd
• Been abused
• Defied authoritative figures (punched the wall repeatedly in front of your principal, vice-principal and discipline master)
• Dropped out from school (by choice) and self-studied to get into poly
• Let everyone down by being firm with what I want
• Disappointed a teacher and lecturer by underachieving in their words
• Mutilated and bashed myself physically
• Been one of the better students and flunked my studies
• Been through depression now and then
• Been fleeced by a friend of more than $7k
• Gone through the demise of a loved one
• Stood up for my loved ones by lashing out at other loved ones
• Seen how money corrupts and breaks up relationships
• Tried to set up a partnership with a friend without any action plans
• Been a good employee (I would like to think so) and failed to meet expectations
• Tried to compose a song
• Given back to the community partially by contributing a monthly automatic deduction to charity
• Bought insurance policies to cover my death expenses

There are 2 things I would regret – not being a vegan and getting into a fight. For 7 months, I went on a lacto-ovo vegetarian diet. The idea was to test my discipline, so I partook in it for as long as possible. As for getting into a fight, I do not mean an organised or staged fight. It has to be an impromptu real street fight because I want to correlate it with something.

Afterthoughts
Refusing to conform does not imply an opposition to taking risks. You place yourself in uncharted waters by unyielding to favourable circumstances/situations. The presence of excessive deliberation may hinder actions. And that is why it is to my belief that thoughts and actions are divided.

The real challenge is not to be self-centered but in finding common grounds between my individualistic self and the external environment, accepting my shortcomings and helping others discover their potential. A friend wisely told me to find beauty in imperfections so that I will not stalk the elusive perfection in vain.

In the words of the Dalai Lama:

“If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.”
– Dalai Lama

P/S: I am experimenting with a different writing style. If perchance I came across as a tad overly bearing and exerting, I apologise.

* Image was taken from Free Digital Photos: Old Book Open by nuttakit

I used to write posers for you. Here is another one created tonight with 6 syllables on each line:

Significantly Yours

It ended with a lie
to cease unhappiness.
I look up at the stars,
see the stories we shared.

Remember I told you
the star that cannot shine?
Strange how the other stars
are warmer and brighter.

You were right about me,
the one who couldn’t love.
Couldn’t display feelings
Left me by the roadside.

Wonder how you’re doing,
hope the world isn’t harsh.
Saw the letters you wrote
and halted promises.

If we met again soon
before I forget it.
Remind me to tell you
another star story.

I have not seen you for more than 4 years. This is for you. (¤)

* Image was taken from Photobucket: Once upon a time by Hoshi_018

Today marks the 12th day I have been away from work. The decision to take a short break, though not perfect, has proved to be of utmost value. Albeit not going on a short trip abroad, I paid attention and acquired several realisations both old and new.

Quiet/Reflection time
The most important element of my identity was the deliberated act of seeking quiet time. Being an introverted introvert, the interaction with people zaps my energy. I used to go for long walks frequently to recollect my thoughts, recharge myself mentally and toy with creativity. Over the years, I had neglected and avoided this routine of self-isolation.

I have no inkling how I could get through the past 3 years without it. These days, I have been persisting in finding time for disconnected retreats. In my quiet desperation, I still cannot feel the true peace that is evading me. Time will tell if I had outgrown what used to be my top tactic in reviving tranquility.

Personal finances
Another aspect I have overlooked is the condition of my finances. At one point in life, I could save $5,000 a year from a $1,440 monthly net salary (an average of 29% of savings). I charted my daily expenses religiously and practiced what the books on personal finance recommended. It was a habit I kept for years before life threw me off track.

I can still recall the sense of fulfillment I had when I could pinpoint my current financial status at any one point. A contribution of 29% might not seem much but it was a good start for building discipline, responsibility and accountability towards oneself.

I don’t know
A friend told me she encountered a person who has a habit of saying, ‘I don’t know’, when it comes to trying and picking up new things. The disturbing part was it involved little things like registering for a new account on the web or researching for information he/she wanted to know but did not want to bother with the tiresome process. It irks me because there is an obvious interest but you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

This brought to mind the Agnostic way of living (stripping the mask of ‘I know’ pretense so as to gain concrete knowledge and wisdom) and a Buddhist teaching (everything is interconnected; cause and effect). While admitting, ‘I don’t know’, might require courage, it could spur one to consider the pursuit of a certain topic/subject. What you learnt today could be of use in the future: for instance: Getting selected for that new job, leaving an impression on your future in-laws or preventing you from being conned.

Comparing – I’m better than you
I fall into this spectrum more than I desire. Self-awareness merely provides the first step but it is not sufficient to repel me from entertaining an endless black hole. Whether on a conscious or subconscious level, here are a couple of reasons for executing comparisons:

• Competition
  Being competitive is a by-product of what I learnt back in school. Comparing grades and time taken to study were not unheard of. In fact, it was so deeply ingrained in me that I carried it into the workforce.
• Insecurity
  Gauging yourself against others, be it stronger or weaker, is a mental estimation to boost or lower your self-confidence, self-satisfaction or self-superiority.

If you googled the words, ‘compare yourself’, you would see an extensive online literature on ‘why you should not compare yourself with others’.

After thinking it through, another perception shed light on me. I do not have to give up on ‘contrasting and comparing’. It forces me to be humble when there is room for improvement or share what I know with others. Learning is an infinite journey and there are always people who are more knowledgeable.

(A reminder to self: It had not gone unnoticed but ever since secondary school, I had always been one of those people whom others approached for individual or group study sessions. I love sharing what little knowledge I had but the thought of going into teaching had never struck me before. Perhaps it could be fun toying with the idea when I get rid of my apprehension of meeting new people.)

Don’t complain, don’t explain
This statement used to be my mantra though I cannot remember where I read it from. I hated complaining and explaining because they portrayed me as being whiny, displacing responsibility and finding excuses. Of recent years, you can find me bitching and justifying matters (especially at work). I hope it is not too late to revert to following this again.

Although complaining shows your displeasure, the truth is no one listens to them because everyone has more than enough to handle.

Trying to explain when the other party has already adopted another set of thinking malformed as excuses. Let’s face it, most of us have difficulties admitting we are wrong.

Multi-tasking
For once, I would like to try the mediocre way of doing things – one at a time. One of the reasons I ended the partnership was because I did not want to split my attention between 2 companies. I lose the ability to zone out (aka ‘the driven mode’) and fully concentrate on a task at hand when I attempt to multi-task.

Here are 2 crushing reasons to prevent this are being a reality:

• You are expected to multi-task. We are led into believing that juggling numerous things at a time increases productivity.
• You get things done faster. Completing tasks quickly scores points with the boss.

Why is ‘doing more’ viewed as ‘better’? Why is ‘being fast’ equate to ‘being good’?

I don’t know about you but I started to question the effects multi-tasking had made a Frankenstein out of me. Firstly, there is the adrenaline and high stress level when you are constantly driving on the highway. Secondly, you get nervous and restless when there is nothing to do. Thirdly, you risk losing your patience when things go out of hand. In other words, multi-tasking made me an emotional wreck.

Afterthoughts
It is not amusing to discover how much I have changed. Some of these experiences were observed before I hit my twenties. Life seems to have gone downhill after that.

I do not walk the talk all the time. Moralities and ethnics aside, I still believe in the separation between thinking and doing. If I could really have it my way, I would want to go full-time into volunteering or travel around the world aimlessly. But I cannot do that because I have to equip myself to provide dependent support in the near future.

* Image was taken from Free Digital Photos: Choice by jscreationzs